Baby Jesus, We LOVE You!

 

Last Sunday was the children's Christmas "Ringers and Singers" program during the morning services. Keagan has been practicing for 4-5 weeks or so, listening to the songs in the car and practicing his hand motions. He did fantastic during the first service. I took video of the whole thing, and I could show that to you, but he was perfect. He sang, he stood still (other than putting one hand into the waistband of his pants) and he participated. Then he had about an hour break and the group rejoined for their presentation in the second service. His performance was a bit different....and I recorded this, too. But I laughed so hard throughout the program that the camera shook. I brought my camcorder and set it up on the tripod during the first service but I figured his performance would be identical in the second service so I didn't pull that out. Then his performance became a comic routine so I knew I had to video...and I quickly grabbed my cell phone. So the quality stinks and is super shaky. But it is funny. I am just glad that we go to first service...because no one knows us in the second service! ;)

 

And funny, but as I was adding these videos on YouTube, I saw this one...that someone from the congregation posted....and the first 5 seconds show Keagan's awesome dance skills!

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In related Christmas-activity news, last Saturday night was our town's Dickens' Christmas and night parade. Unfortunately Josh had to work so he missed out but we were able to meet up with the Malone family and despite the flipping-freezing temperatures (really, I had to defrost after the parade and activities) we had a great time. Here are some pictures Stacey posted on Facebook that I stole...glad she was prepared with her camera because I most certainly was not!!

Three cute little babes waiting for the parade to start!

little BFFs

big BFFs (and yes, I look like I stepped out of the '80s. It's coming back around, folks. That's my excuse.)

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And finally, an update.

 

Whew! Where do I begin this...???

 

So, I guess if you've kept up with my stroke story then you know a week ago I had another CT-angiogram to check on healing of the vertebral artery. I actually learned the results that day, but had to wait until yesterday to get an interpretation of what the results meant. The artery is still torn. In fact, it has shown zero healing since the initial injury back in April. I have probably had one of the most difficult weeks in my life, learning also some bad news about my grandfather's cancer the morning of my CT-A. But now that I am a week out from my scan and have seen the neurologist I have a bit more grasp on the situation.

I have had no healing. The doctor thinks that I may have a connective tissue disorder, and that I may not ever heal...he could scan me in 10 years with still no change. He is at a loss for what this means for my future except to say that "it is what it is." And, yes, he used that phrase (it's one I typically use...). He doesn't think I need surgery, the risks will likely far outweigh the benefits, but he has referred me to a vascular surgeon to have a second set of eyes on this. Basically what has happened is rare. Yes, vertebral artery dissection is one of the biggest causes of stroke in young people but young people don't have strokes, really. And when this happens to a young person, they generally heal in a matter of weeks. My neurologist was being conservative when he had my follow-up scan 3 months later, feeling certain I would show complete healing. But 9 months later I still show no healing. My biggest questions were (are) what restrictions do I have? And will I be able to have more children. None of my questions can be solidly answered right now. I am for sure banned from rollercoasters, tennis, car accidents (duh)...likely for life. I will likely be on blood thinning medicines (Plavix, an anti-platelet) for the rest of my life. My stroke and further dissection risk is higher than I'd like it to be, so the worry will likely remain, though hopefully eventually lessen. And the question of future pregnancies is still up in the air. This is the most painful part to me. We want more children. Right now we can't safely pursue this so I am hoping for some information from the vascular surgeon of what my risk will be. My neurologist called this new doctor while he was in the exam room with me so I kind of head the entire conversation. And the good news is they are both thinking this dissection is stable, as in likely to not further tear. If I am able to have more children it will certainly mean C-section and daily heparin injections. And close monitoring. But we need to fill ourselves with information before we make any decisions. First, I need to see the vascular surgeon. Then my wonderful OB-Gyn has talked to me already about setting me up with a high-risk OB for consult before we go further. And the neurologist told us yesterday that if we end up pregnant he will monitor me super-close. So, the fact that he let me talk about it was good news enough for me.

So, needless to say I am not happy with the results, or what it means, but I am choosing to live my life for God and to try hard to follow His plan. For I know that all this cannot be in vain, and God has a reason for me (and our family) to be going through this. Last Friday was rough, I felt like I lost a lot of faith. Why should I pray? Prayers aren't being answered. But then I realized this was just the devil. I have to have faith, how can one live without it? Now that I have gotten past the majority of my pity party, I have taken a look at my beautiful existence and family and realized that I cannot let this define my life...though I will still stumble and cry more often than I'd like to admit. But at the very least, this year has shown me that I need my faith. And, as I heard in a sermon that Lindsy sent me this week: When you hear God's silence and feel His absence, trust His presence. A week ago, I felt deserted. Between my own personal bad news and the bad news of my grandpa, I felt let down and like God had forgotten about me. But this sermon reminded me that He is setting the stage for the next act, and I have to TRUST. That is what faith is about. So I choose to trust. I choose to love God, because I know he loves me. And this is all part of His plan. So I continue to pray....and in the interim, while I wait for the next step of this journey, I ask for your prayers to continue. Please continue to pray for me to have peace in this. While I know what my heart needs, it isn't always easy to convince myself of this. I am human, after all. And I worry. And please pray for the doctors to have wisdom in this and give me the right information so we can know where to go from here.

And thank you for your support in all this! I honestly could not keep my chin up through this without the support of my wonderful friends and family.