First, my appointment was at 9 this morning, and my doctor was out of town so I saw a nurse practitioner I have never seen. I showed up 20 minutes early to drink the dreaded sugar-concentrated drink. Ick. I tried to not vomit in the 10 minutes I had to drink it. (side note: a young girl -yes, I said young and girl- sitting next to me also was there for her glucose tolerance test and she chugged the drink. I jokingly said she was a champ at that as it nearly made me gag. She turned to me, smiled, and said she thought it tasted good. And when she smiled her teeth teeth had a lot of brown spots and were all jacked up. I get why she liked it. Yes, I am being judgemental. It has been that kind of day. There is more to this conversation between me and this strange girl, but I would make myself look worse if I continued. So in my best interest I will not.) ANYWAYS, I fully expected to be called back within a few minutes of drinking that stuff, but it was actually a full hour of more waiting before I was called back. Then, very long story-short, once a fumbling nurse finally called me back to a room after I had to say something twice to receptionists, the lab girl had to hunt me down to draw my blood for the glucose test. then I waited another 30 minutes in the room by myself. And I finally opened the door and prayed someone would walk by and realize I was sitting in the room, having not been seen yet!
Finally the nurse practitioner came in (after the nurse attempted to weigh me twice, and attempted to take my BP twice, and forgot to even check the baby's heartbeat!) and after reviewing a few things on her computer, proceeded to immediately tell me that I have gained almost too much weight. She explained that I am 28 weeks and I have gained 24 pounds and they like patients to keep their weight gain below their number of weeks. I immediately started crying. Water works I tell you. I couldn't stop, I was frustrated already with my weight, embarrassed that this new face was basically telling me I am putting on weight too fast, all on top of being angry about having to wait for an hour and a half while starving and nearly in a sugar coma from that drink. Yes, I am heavier than I want to be. Yes I am uncomfortable and even some of my maternity clothes don't fit. Yes, Keagan told me tonight that I used to be smaller than daddy, but now I am bigger. But in my other two pregnancies no one ever told me I was gaining weight too fast, so this threw my confidence for a total nose-dive.
Basically, everything throughout the rest of my day didn't line up just perfectly and so my coping mechanisms were null. I cried off and on all day. I was starving and feeling nauseous but couldn't find anything to eat because of fear of gaining another 6 pounds. Everything was overwhelming and pitiful. I need a do-over, and to find some grace. And confidence.
Before I left to my appointment I felt pretty. So I set up my camera on self-timer and snapped this picture of my 28-week bump. I am glad I did this before my appointment, because it sure as heck wouldn't have happened after!
Now I know, this is just another part of being pregnant. And I recognize that my hormones are all over the place. And all pregnant gals have a good amount of crazy in them. So I know it will all be okay and once this sweet babe is in my arms, I will forget about these crazy feelings. And it will all be worth it.
In other news: the nursery is painted, and the furniture is set up. Gender neutral clothes are washed and lots of diapers purchased. Curtains hung and a mobile painted and put together. I ordered a new car seat (did you know those expire?!! check yours out - they do!) and a gender neutral swaddle blanket for bringing baby home. I have chosen boy bedding and girl bedding...and because I have that pregnant-crazy running through my veins have purchased nearly all of it with the plan to return half of it in July. Don't worry I checked in on this and it's all good. Besides, most of what I ordered is back-ordered til July. My nesting phase has started, I have cleaned out random drawers and the boys closet and dresser. And we have nearly finished planning both the boys' birthday parties. Yup.
The baby is so incredibly active that it wakes me up at night. Keeps me up at times. I had a co-worker see my belly move yesterday while I was standing next to her. The boys have been seeing it for a while now. I still have nausea, and nights are still worse. I cannot quite find the magic formula for feeling good. But it isn't as bad as it was in the beginning, so for that I am thankful. I would like to feel great though! I haven't had any strong feelings whether the baby is a boy or a girl, and while I truly don't care which gender it is I do have days where I hope it's a boy and other days where I hope it's a girl. For no specific rhyme or reason.
Now that I have written all this out I have contemplated deleting all of it. But it is me, it is what my life is about today. It is crazy pregnant brain. (p.s. I tried to give a 3 years past expired insurance card to the eye doctor's receptionist this afternoon. Fantastic. I also left the van running and got out after pulling it into the garage. Can you say Baby Brain? Luckily the van screamed at me in a loud beeping language and I realized what I had done. I probably shouldn't be left alone.)
