I Turn a Year Old Today

Today marks  one year  after my stroke. April 6, 2013. Hard for me to believe it has been a year. But, you know what’s funny? Up until about 3 months  -or so- ago I actually had to look at the calendar to figure out exactly what the date was. I knew it was a Saturday.  But I couldn’t remember specifically if it was the 6^th or the 7^th. Funny how the brain blocks things out. I guess because when it happened, it didn’t matter what day it was…it was a gorgeous Saturday. The first really warm one we had had that year, and it didn’t matter what day in April it was, my boys and I were meeting our best friends to enjoy some good ol’ sunshine in LBL (Land Between the Lakes) and get out of the house! It just so happens that those friends we were meeting would forever become my living Guardian Angels. 

Coincidence?

Nope.

This year has been a tough one. Lots of things have contributed to it being tough, and it may have been tough whether or not I had a stroke on April 6, 2013. Probably, because life is like that. Certain things define our years. Certain events stick with us. Finley had two surgeries in the past year, had chronic sickness, and was (is?) a horrible teether. These things would have been this way whether I had my stroke or not. Keagan went through difficult phases at school, has had tough behavior and has had to learn some tough lessons about not being the only child anymore. This probably would have been this way anyways.  Work has been stressful, had its ups and downs…mostly downs. But isn’t that how it goes? Then throw in medical bills. My unanswered (and still, really, unanswered) questions over the year. My tests, my waiting, my doctors appointments and referrals to specialists. My anxiety.

It’s been tough.

But it has been the best year of my life. I know you are probably like, really!? Are you kidding me?! How can you say that?! Yeah. It has. I have learned a lot about myself. I have learned a LOT about my faith. No, I am not thrilled that I will be restricted from some things forever. Or on medication to thin my blood forever. Or that what I had planned for my life has taken a different route. But God has taught me that my path is not necessarily His path. And I have learned that faith does not mean a life devoid of pain and sorrow, but even in low times God is always there. Always. And I have come to the realization that not only am I a stroke survivor. I am ALIVE.  And I am alive in God.  I have always been a Christian, I was raised well. But I kinda get it now. I am on this earth for a greater purpose, and while I may not ever know or understand the reason things have happened, I will try to remember my faith when  things get tough and show others that this is how I “deal.”

I remember Saturday April 6^th 2013 like it was yesterday (even if I had to look up the date! Go with me…). I can remember down to the sounds, the smells, the frustration of having a headache on such a beautiful day, asking Stacey if she had any Tylenol, turning my head during our picnic to see and then reprimand Keagan for throwing rocks at Stacey’s new car (seriously), then turning back around and noticing that something wasn’t right. I remember the feeling of sinking in my heart that I had ruined our beautiful afternoon. I remember trying to convince my friends, myself, that this would pass, that I’d be OK. I remember saying “I think I am having a stroke.” But I didn’t want to really believe it. But I knew it. Nothing was right. My face was tingly, only on one side. I couldn’t see. I was nauseous. I remember the sounds. The smells. The breeze and the dead leaves everywhere, just coming off winter, some still on the trees and rustling in the breeze. When my vision went crazy, those dead leaves, and all the hues of browns, swirled and spun. And my friends loaded up everything, including myself and the boys, into the cars and drove like lightening to the hospital. The nearest hospital. Anywhere. Just get me there. I remember praying out loud and crying Please, GOD, let me live! Let me live for those babies in the back seat. Please GOD! And I apologized to Jarrett, while vomiting uncontrollably, that he had to be the one to take me, that I was vomiting, that I ruined their day. I remember constantly monitoring my body. Checking to see if my face was still droopy. Squeezing both bands, both feet. Thanking God I could squeeze both hands and feet but was my face paralyzed?  Please God, don’t let me die. Sticking my tongue out, did it deviate? Yes, I think it did. Please God. I’m Sorry Jarrett. I couldn’t open my eyes. I remember getting to the hospital, my poor husband opening the car door and me nearly falling out of the car. His anguish was audible. I know he was so scared. I was so scared. He asked me if I was OK. No, I am not OK.  Please, God!

And then I was OK. God listened, he answered. I was stable, I was in good hands, medical and faith. Over the next 24 hours I was told I had had a complex migraine that mimicked a stroke, and I was so thankful for this. Then I was told that tests showed I had, indeed, had a stroke. They knew the cause was a torn vertebral artery. And I knew the cause of that. What a shock, I felt like I had just been hit with a ton of bricks. I am healthy. I am young. Why did this happen to me?

I don’t know why things have happened this way. But I do know that coincidences don’t happen. I have been so fortunate enough to see where every little encounter, every person put in my life belongs in the puzzle so far. It doesn’t make sense going forward (and it isn’t meant for us to know…that is where faith comes in), but it makes perfect sense looking back. And I am so very thankful that I chose to let God lead me and to just “go with it” even when things weren’t the way I would have had them.

April 4, 2009 I ran in a 5K where I met Stacey. Something (God!) told me to speak to her, try and befriend her. I have always been an outgoing person, but I don’t really just walk up to random strangers and basically ask “Will you be my friend?” That’s pretty much what I did. Yep. Strange. But look where it got me. Coincidence? I think not.

God knows. I am not perfect and I won’t claim to be. But I will say this: I have learned that God’s plan is THE plan. Walk through the doors He opens for you. Don’t try to open the ones He’s shut tight. Pray for guidance. Pray for peace. I still struggle. I still have anxiety (cue the headache I have had for an entire week now…). I still try and plan and have questions unanswered regarding my health. But I am at more peace right now in my life than I have ever been. Ever. And I don’t believe my life was spinning out of control a year ago, I don’t think things were bad. But I believed I was in control, not God. And now I know I am not. God is. And I am at peace with this.

My Forever Guardian Angels