A note to Keagan

My Sweet, Sweet Keagan:
As I sit here, having just put you and your brother down for a nap, and having just finished blogging about your 4th birthday party, I am losing my breath over how quickly time has flown. I know all mommies say it. But time really is flying way too fast. I wish it would just slow down a little bit more, allow me to catch my breath. And allow me to savor you in this moment just a little longer.
You are really a beautiful child. Yes, you are mine. I am biased. But I love the way you are.
In the mornings, you wake up way, way, way too early. But you are so pleasant it is hard to be ill with you. You love to be loved, and you love to give love. Even though the sun is just starting to come up when you come in our room, your chipper "Good morning Mom and Dad!" and sweet kisses on our cheeks make being woken entirely too soon easier.
You love to learn. You are always asking Why? and How? and I can just see the wheels turning. You are incredibly observant, sometimes a little nosy, but always interested in your surroundings. You love to play, and you play with all of your toys pretty equally. You used to be in love with only Thomas the Train, but now you like it all. You love to color, draw, and a play with play-doh. I have to stop and remind myself to allow your creative juices flow, instead of constantly asking you to put something away first. Or clean up this. Or keep the colors separated. This is hard for me, I don't like things scattered. But I am trying...
You are a great big brother. Sometimes you are not such a great big brother. And I can understand. You get tired of sharing, and you get tired of hearing "give that to Finn so he will stop screaming." And you sometimes get the short end of the proverbial stick because you "are a big boy" even though you aren't much older (or bigger) than your baby brother. But I hope you know that we think you are a great big brother. You play well with your baby. You love him, and I can tell. And I appreciate that. My heart sings as I watch the relationship develop between you and Finn. To me, there is nothing greater than the love I see forming between you and Finley. I tell you all the time: Finn is your best friend, be nice to him. This is a simple way of saying that you two may be all each other has one day, you need to stick together. And so far, you boys are doing a pretty good job.

Keagan, son, I dread having you grow up. Not because that means I am aging. Not because I am scared for life to take its toll on you (though this is a fear). Not because I know I can't protect you from everything. Selfishly, I dread having you grow up because I am already feeling my "baby" slip away as time is flying...and I fear the empty feeling of not having this sweet, little thing to hold. I know this makes me sound like a crazy lady. But I guess that's why I tell you daily that you will always be my baby.  Because it allows me to mentally go back to when you were just a babe, and I can almost smell your newness. And I can feel your sweet, warm baby-body in my arms. And I guess I do fear not being able to protect you from this world. I think that is a rational fear every parent has. I hope, though, that I can prepare you to make wise choices, even when the world taunts you with the unwise ones.
Oh, my sweet Keagan. Thank you for being perfect in your own little way. Even when you have "bad days" and I am utterly exhausted and ready to pull my hair out, I lay down at night and think about something funny you said. Or something sweet you did. Or the way you say certain things. (Your daddy and I get to giggling about the way you talk sometimes...you have a little West-KY accent and it tickles us.) And after a rough day, I smile. I wish I could just bottle some of these little nuances you have, because just as Father Time is fleeting, so are your mannerisms.
But I cannot bottle time, and I cannot make it stop. So I am trying to live in the moment of where we are today. And tell you that I love you so much. Keagan, your birth made us a family. And I thank God daily for this. Even though you are my oldest child, you will always be my first baby. Happy 4th Birthday, buddy.
Love,
Mommy